Where is The Manual???
I often wonder where the heck is the manual when it comes to this inexplicable thing called life. More specifically, these vastly confusing, often contradictory, complex myriad of behaviors and expectations called relationships…and, communication! Especially for those of us who came from dysfunctional childhoods.
I have been a healing practitioner long enough to know I am not the only one seeking this mystical tome of “how-to’s”! Human behavior and communication are perplexing enough in their own right. Add to the mix, the increasing vibrational interplay in relationship dynamics. What the heck do I mean by that? I mean, not only are we dealing with often deficient communication styles (raising my hand on this one), we have situations where we find that our energy is no longer compatible with someone. Our energy, their energy, our likes/dislikes, interests, hobbies, etc. change sometimes, and sometimes we are no longer in resonance with someone. Especially lately as more and more intense energies are flowing to us for rapid clearing and healing. It is important to note, that this does not make anyone bad or wrong, just that we are no longer vibing in a way that we used to. I see this a lot with couples, usually around common rites-of-passages like childbirth (and raising), children leaving to start their new life, job loss, and retirement. These life rites-of-passage tend to offer portals or opportunities to reexamine where you are in your life. Although, that being said, those certainly aren’t the only times we realize that we are no longer vibing. Hence friendship break-offs, ghosting, de-coupling, separations, and divorce, etc.
I would like to offer up a suggestion before any conclusions are drawn when you feel a disconnect. Please revisit your communication. I listen to Hidden Brain podcast intermittently and am fascinated by the insights offered into our behaviors, and most importantly, our communication or lack of communications. In addition, the universe has been offering up opportunities for me to see where I am unclear in my communications. Let me share a few.
- Assuming the other person understands where I am coming from. This is a global kind of foregone conclusion. “Well, of course, they know this to be true.” Such as an experience or a shared belief. A big key to better communications, is not to assume your communications partner has any shared foundation with you. Even if you are married. Hidden Brain researches found that being close did not ensure clearer communications, than that with strangers. I laugh at this from Hidden Brain, “So one of the examples they gave in the paper, for example, is a wife tells a husband, it's getting hot in here as an obvious request for him to open a window. Well, he interprets that statement as a coy and amorous advance, right? So he's misreading what's happening in her mind.” *
- Ask for what you want. This suggestion goes right here because in the above example if the wife had simply asked her husband to open the window, much confusion, and perhaps hurt feelings would have been avoided. I notice that I was brought up to imply and allude to rather than ask outright for what I want. Hints are often unseen, overlooked or simply ignored. This leads to hurt feelings and unmet needs. Note, you can ask for what you want AND you may be denied. People get to say no. But at least it was a clear exchange and you can go about getting your needs handled another way.
- Check in to see if your important message has been received in a way you wish it to be. Something like “do you mind telling me what you heard me say?” You would be amazed at how often people are nodding and smiling, walking away with something completely different than you think you communicated. It is like a perpetual game of telephone we played as kids.
- Don’t take things personally. I can’t wait until I get this one fully under my belt. Even though this continues to be a healing opportunity for me on an emotional level, I KNOW it to be TRUTH on the spiritual/energetic level. We are all running around with a set of filters and triggers that we are experiencing everything through. People’s behavior and responses are their own healing opportunities, as is ours. Someone’s response to us may feel personal, but it really isn’t. Folks on social media need to take a class on the book “The Four Agreements”. Words to live by. 1. Be Impeccable with your Word. 2. Don’t take Anything Personally. 3. Don’t make Assumptions. 4. Always do your Best. These are basically the main principles of Reiki too.
- If you have concerns about what is happening in the relationship, ask. Sometimes it feels silly, but I would rather ask someone if they are upset than assume they are mad and begin distancing or getting mad in return. Don’t laugh, it happens. It is almost like defensive/offensive anger. If you value the relationship, it is worth checking in on a ‘potentially paranoid fantasy’ with your friend. Those words get a laugh, and my friend is usually stunned that I thought something was wrong, quick to offer clarity, and grateful that I cared enough to check in.
Having just got through one doozy of a Mercury Retrograde, the topic of communications has been really up for me, and my clients. Being a perpetual student of psychology, I seek more loving, clear ways to relate. My take-aways would be ground, breathe, simplify, clarify, lead with compassion, default to gratitude. We are all in How-To-Be-Human school!